Many of us struggle to say what we need to at work. Whether it's asking for a pay rise, or confronting a co-worker over unsatisfactory behaviour, these conversations can be difficult to have without appearing offensive.

There are several reasons why we don't raise difficult topics at work. Perhaps we've learned not to rock the boat, we fear being responsible for conflict, or we think that nothing will change even if we do pluck up the courage to speak out. So we stay quiet.

Here are some tips on how to tackle your next difficult conversation:

First, you need to plan what you're going to say. Think about how long you need for the conversation and where to have it. The right environment is key – you don't want somewhere too formal that will intimidate your colleague, or somewhere too casual where you may be overheard.

The second thing you need to do is write down the key messages you want to get across in the conversation. Practise saying them out loud (I like to record them on my phone and play them back). You are not preparing a script, but this preparation helps you to be brief and clear. If you are particularly nervous, rehearse what you plan to say in front of a friend so you know you are coming across as you wish to.

The language you use is also important. Consider the difference between these two phrases: ‘Steve, we're very close to deadline date and you told me you're a bit behind. I'd like to support you and agree a way to get the deadlines met.' and ‘Steve, you're behind again. This has got to stop!' If you use the first example, you come across as looking for solutions together. That creates trust and openness. The second example is less likely to get a successful outcome.

Finally, put yourself in the other person's shoes – however frustrating that person might be. The useless boss who never gives you feedback is simply struggling with her own extremely heavy workload. The team member who only has negative comments to make in the team meeting simply doesn't have the skills to ask for what he wants directly.

To manage your emotions during a difficult conversation, it helps to calm things down by taking some long breaths. And finally, if you feel under pressure, remember to respond slowly rather than reacting quickly.